About a fortnight ago, I was part of an impressive audience of Muslim professionals that gathered to listen to the Chief Missioner of the Ansarudeen Society Worldwide, Imam Abdulrahman Ahmad on the troubling phenomenon of crashing marriages and how to deal with the problem. The event was held at the Lagos Chamber of Commerce and Industry at Nurudeen Olowopopo Way in the Central Business District of Ikeja. I was invited by a fellow great Akokite who studied mass communication.
The Imam did not disappoint at the forum as he clinically x-rayed the crashing marriage crisis with women pouring out their minds and men faulted for many of the marital woes. Seeing the depth of the crisis in the emotion that pervaded the full capacity auditorium, one could now better appreciate why our cities and villages are bristling with delinquents and maladjusted youths. It’s the reason area boys populate our parks. However the area boy syndrome is not the malady I want to interrogate today. My interest is in the predisposing factors to marriage collapses in the unmet expectations of what many a woman wants in her man.
Many a woman wants her man to be caring, to afford her all comfort and conveniences of life. She wants her man to be loaded in cash and be able to provide her good car to ride shopping and to occasions, to take her to family, friends and office. The average woman wants good clothe and this is what a man should be able to afford her. This is what many a woman wants her man to afford or provide her. Generally the average woman wants her man to give her coolness and calmness of heart and at home as one in al-Jannah.
Towards her, any woman indeed wants her man to be compassionate. But equally important is that she expects in her man total fidelity in their marriage and must regard marriage as an inviolable contract or compact for life, So, she wants him to have concern, consideration, consciousness and conscience in all matters relating to her existence. Similarly, every woman wants her man to possess candour or candidness. She wants certainty from him, not one chance or oja okunkun or one who jeopardises her future and career. She expects him to have correctness of life choices for her as she also expects him to always exercise caution and demonstrate curiosity in whatever environment they find themselves so that they don’t experience any loss in life. If however, the family suffers one, every woman wants a man on whose shoulder she can lean one, one who is comforting and is able to give her consolation, not one who gives up in despair or can be easily consumed in frustration.
Everywoman likes her man to have conviction and be able to communicate the genuineness of his intentions towards her and the intensity of his affection for her, otherwise her love or interest in him will fade away. Everywoman expects her man to have composure in trying times or difficult situations, not one to buckle under pressure. She wants in her man someone who is able to clarify all matters and save the family from regrets. In this it is also expected that everyman should have courage to gain respect and honour from a woman.
A corollary to this is that every man must always exude confidence and comport or conduct himself in a well-ordered manner wherever he is to the admiration of is woman and others. Everywoman wants her man to have colour and character. His presence anywhere she wants must be with an aura of charisma. She wants him to be clean and captivating so she can joyfully declare, “that’s my man”. In short, every woman wants a complete gentleman in her man. She wants him to be dignifying.
The man of dignity or complete man before a woman is one who cooperates with her at home and in the public, not a perpetual complainant, not overly demanding, not unnecessarily overbearing or suspiciously intrusive. In short everywoman wants in her man to have competence in diverse areas of life as a leader or manager who is able to rise up to a situation or challenge.
Many a woman indeed wants her man to give compliments to her looks and what she cooks at home as she would appreciate it very much if her man complements her efforts to make the home as well as support her in every righteous cause or noble initiative both at home and outside the home.
But she also wants her man to be fiercely and intelligently competitiveoutside because she does not want anyone to underrate her man and by extension look down on her as having a weakling or a colourless man, a gbewudani as husband. She wants her man to be a conqueror in all aspects of life that will give her pride of making a right choice in her man, not a disgrace of a husband. So, In times of challenges and confusion, everywoman does not want her man to be a mumu or zombie; she does not want her man to be seemingly careless or clueless. Rather, she wants her man to be creative in proffering solutions or inspiring resolution. If these are matters that are in the open, there is of cause the one of the other room. Everywoman wants her man to satisfy her in intercourse. This area is not commonly exposed is at the root of crisis in many homes that breeds infidelity.
When a woman finds many of these expectations or values of authority or superiority in her man, she accepts him as her commander, olowo ori mi orbaale wa. Affectionately, and respectfully, she defers to him as Abu Abdullah or Daddy Timmy. Madam adores him and speaks of him gleefully or proudly anywhere as her sweetheart.
To me, all these vital indices or values are leadership expectations of women which all men must strive to meet. They are what define a man as a mature and strong, ready to take up responsibility or challenge, to lead at home in fending for this family and conquer the world in career, management and government.
The interesting thing is that many of these values are not practices that can be taught in class or school but just mentioned as must haves. They are mostly learnt at home in grooming by mothers not even fathers. Go through the history of many of the greatest men in history and you are not unlikely to find generous pages dedicated to their mothers who taught such men from the cradle or from their laps and bosoms breastfeeding them.
So, the fault of this tragedy of crashing homes goes back to women, or mothers who fail at nurturing their boy children early in life to be caring or responsible husbands. They neglected their primary obligation of motherhood while racing with men who are chasing careers and cash. Unfortunately now, the rat race as crippled many men and women to lose attention in providing for the family. Condition don bend crayfish in many homes were madam is the breadwinner as not all men rank highly in meeting these leadership expectations of their wives or women. Such men have lost voice and colour at home. And men who lose the respect of their women at home can hardly succeed in public because of incapacitation in decision making.
Yet, one of the vital values every woman wants in her man is firmness of resolve in leadership. Many men have lost it in building their homes. This is tragic and it is evident in the crash of many marriages today. Audhubillah!
*Abdulwarees is Director, Media & Strategic Communications, Muslim Public Affairs Centre, MPAC Nigeria/Assistant Director Strategic Planning & Corporate Development Department, Voice of Nigeria, Broadcasting House, Ikoyi, Lagos.
08090585723, korewarith@yahoo.com