I always like to come from a practical point of view. I also hope to make this series an interactive
session. I will be giving us some tips and I hope you can spare a moment from your busy
schedule to contribute with a word or two.
When my husband and I got married we shared this poem titled ‘The Promise’. Before I share
The Promise with you, I would first like to share a short poem I wrote about me. I found this very important and I hope you do too.
To my dearest husband
I am authentically ME
I am me, *authentically* me and do not want to be anyone else that Allah has not created me to
be.
If I lack qualities you want, tell me and I will see what I can do.
The best I ask of you is to accept me as me.
I can’t be her and she can’t be me (the woman he might have created in his head 😊).
The sooner you realize and accept that I am ME, will be great for ME and YOU.
It’s important to remind our spouse to accept us for who the real us is, and we should do the
same! You can’t be another woman he has made up in his head and he can’t be another man
you have made up in your head. You can’t change him and he you. The only being you can
change is *YOU*
The Promise
We promise to give each other the best of yourselves and to ask of each other no more than
they can give.
We promise to respect each other as your own person and to realise that your own interests,
desires and needs are no less important that the other.
We promise to share with each other our time and attention and bring joy, strength and
imagination to our relationships.
We promise to keep yourselves open to each other, to let each see through the window of the
other’s world into the innermost fears and feelings, secrets and dreams.
We promise to grow along with each other, to be willing to face changes in order to keep our
relationship alive and exciting.
Each of us promise to love the other in good times and in bad, with all we have to give and all
we feel inside in the only way- Completely and forever.
Now, let’s establish some facts!
- Needs
What are your NEEDS? Share them with your spouse – they are no mind readers. Let them
know how you would like to receive love and ask them how they would like to receive love.
Example: I love hugs, I made this known to my husband because it’s one way of receiving love
for me.
- Boundaries
You are not his mother! Don’t act like her neither should he expect you to be like her. Think of
other things that you don’t like – your pet peeves. I am sure you would have done this by now
and if not, it’s not too late to start.
- Me First
Be selfish. You have to practice self-care. Health is wealth. You have to take care of you in
order to take care of others. You can’t give what you don’t have!
- Imperfections
Your imperfections are what make you perfectly okay. Embrace his shortcomings and
imperfections as well.
“They (your wives) are your garment and you are a garment for them.” Q2:187. Islam enjoins
that a wife and husband should have the most intimate and loving relationship. Each should
cover, protect, and safeguard the interests of the other partner.
13;Tips for building a healthy relationship
- Being Present – when you are there, be there. Being fully present. How can I do that,
Khafayah, when I’m trying to get dinner on the table while trying to keep from tripping
over toys, look after the kids, do the house chores, etc? Ah! My sister, being present only
means paying attention. Like in any relationship, your relationship with your spouse
needs positive attention to thrive. Attention = Love. Like your garden, your car, or your
work, what you attend to flourishes. And, of course, that kind of attentiveness takes time.
You can multitask at it while you’re making dinner, but the secret of a great relationship
is some focused time every day attending to your spouse. When pockets of moments
arise, just walk up to him, give him a hug, say ‘I love you, and walk away🤪.
- Night out at home – if you can’t go, arrange for someone to have the kids and have a
night in alone. Whether traditional or modern, candlelight to lantern light, just make use
of the quality time you have in that moment. It’s not the time to read your meter report
about all the things he has done and is still doing to annoy you Park that for now. There
is a time and place for everything – enjoy very moment.
- Book an appointment – you will have quarrels and arguments. So, choose them wisely.
Some arguments are going to be spontaneous, i get that! If there is something bothering
you, book a time for you to have that discussion or argument with your spouse. Even in
conflict, never desert love and respect for each other. This is the key to staying happy in
your marriage. Need we explain this one? You give respect; you get respect. Don’t forget
he/she still has an individual identity, despite the fact that you are a couple. Respect
your partner’s feelings, and you will have many more years of happiness in your life.
TIP – Do something that will show your spouse the mutual respect and love between
you.
- Marriage, like any other worthwhile activity, requires time and energy . “It takes at least
as much time to keep a marriage in shape as it does for a weight lifter to keep his body
in shape.” Dee W. Hadley. It needs to FLOURISH and BLOSSOM! Marriage is like a
garden – it must be tended. The more time you take to pull out the weeds, water the
plants, the better you will cultivate – and so also is your relationship. You both have to
work hard to keep your marriage spiced up by finding ways of nourishing it so that it
flourishes. When things start becoming stagnant, find ways to keep it alive. It could be a
night out, going for a walk, massaging each other, pillow fights, touching, feeling and
pillow talks, ask them about their day, etc. You both know what floats yours. Do some
of the things you did at the initial stage of the marriage. This will rekindle the flame of
love and put you both in a state of happiness – you will be fulfilled and feel alive!
TIP – What one thing will you do today that will fill your spouse up with love and
happiness?
- MUTUAL LOVE, MUTUAL RESPECT, MUTUAL COMPASSION – VERY
IMPORTANT!!! Love each other unconditionally for the sake of Allah. Show each other
compassion and respect for each other. It will foster a loving, happy marriage. So, work
on your mercy, patience, compassion, forgiveness, selflessness, kindness, humility and
love.When respect and trust are present both spouses, they will share the same values
and beliefs which can only bring them harmony, because they are both aligned, working
toward the same goal of building a loving, happy and long lasting relationship
- COMMUNICATION IS KEY – Be direct in your communication with your spouse. Be
honest and transparent with each other. Learn the language of love of your spouse and
communicate in the manner that is pleasing to them. Avoid suspicion and assumption if
there is anything bothering you, book an appointment with your spouse, to discuss the
issue you might have. Finding time to talk and clearing the air is great. There is no need
to shout, nag or call each other names. Speak up with kindness and respect instead of
letting resentment build. Have the courage to be vulnerable and speak truthfully even if it
feels bad or uncomfortable.
TIP – Try this! If there is an issue don’t go to bed without resolving it, you will see what
wonders it will do for your marriage ☺
What is your best communication style? Handwritten notes convey more meaning than
emails because it has a personal touch to it. Leave a love note where he will find it. If
you feel there is an issue and it is better to write than talk – leave a note.
- Heart to Heart – when the Prophet SAW received revelation (wahy) from Angel Jibril, it
was heart to heart. When we have a heart to heart talk with our spouse, it works
wonders and increases the affection between both spouses. Use kind words like “You
are a gift from Allah”, “I love how caring and generous you are”. “I really appreciate the
cups of tea you make for me ” – add specific actions you are referring to. Whoop! Whoop!
Love is in the air 💃🏻💃🏻💃🏻❤❤🎉
- In your eyes – Look into each other’s eyes. Look into his eyes when speaking to him.
Maintain eye contact, it’s another cool way of igniting those romantic feelings. Our
beloved Nabi SAW would put his lips on the same spot where Aisah (RA) had hers when
drinking from the vessel, starring her directly in the eyes – how romantic? Also, a perfect
example of non-verbal communication by displaying the affection he SAW had for our
mother Aisha (RA). A great way of putting the spark back in the relationship.
- Show gratitude – show appreciation and say thank you to your spouse for the small
things it’s what leads to the bigger things later on. For instance, your partner makes you
a cup of tea or helps with the house chores.
- Sex life – let your husband know what you would like and vice versa. How do you want
it? Explain or describe your preferred style. There is no point lying in bed sulking whilst
your spouse is oblivious to your needs and is busy enjoying himself (there will be a
session on this soon – putting the spice back into your sex life). Being deeply loved by
someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” Islam is
the only religion I know that rewards you for copulation. Please, my sisters enjoy it to the
fullest. There is nothing to be ashamed of.
- How is the Knot ? – Sometimes it’s worth checking the love thermometer. There is
nothing wrong in asking your husband to reaffirm his love for you ❤❤ Aisha(RA)
narrated that the Prophet used to ask her how strong her love for him was, and she said
she replied, ” Like a knot.” And the next time he would ask her, “ How is that knot ?” He
also used to reply to her saying, “ Jazzakillah, O Aishah, wallahi, you have not rejoiced in
me as I have rejoiced in you.” How romantic he was. I check in with my husband every
now and then. I simply say how is the knot? Thanks precious for being with me today!
And for all your kind words that always replay in my mind, melts my heart and blow me
away! You are so irresistible!”
- Loving what is – wanting the best for your spouse with or without you. This is a
powerful statement if we reflect on it. I am saying here that regardless of what’s
happening in your life or relationship, you are going to show up daily and play your part
and make your spouse happy. You are going to give it your all. It’s about taking
responsibility and ownership for your actions in the relationship. Doing things to seek
solely the pleasure of Allah SWT. You see, we must have a mindshift, my sister! When
we make pleasing Allah the ultimate goal in our marriage and in fact any relationship, we
are onto a winner.
There are three types of relationships.
- Trade by barter – if you do X for me, I will do Y for you.
- I will only do things for you if I am happy with you.
- I am in this to seek the sole pleasure of Allah SWT.
If you normally iron your husband clothes regularly or give him a love call in the
afternoon – after a squabble/argument you will still do the same things because your
ultimate goal is to seek the pleasure of Allah SWT. This takes a lot of Sabrun Jameel!
We can achieve it. Take time to understand each other’s love and emotional languages.
Show up and play your part and you see how this will spurn your spouse on naturally to
please you – trust me on this one! I am sure he will be blown away when you start
practising some of these tips.
- Forgiveness – Have a forgiving heart! I don’t get it – we seek forgiveness from Allah
SWT all the time, and yet for some of us it’s almost impossible to forgive our husbands.
(I know there are some extreme cases). So what if you are the first to say sorry, even if
you did not start the argument. It takes two. Apologizing and taking ownership for your
part in the matter makes resolution quick and easy. Nabi (SAW) said in a Hadith, ” The
strong one is not the one who wrestles someone to the ground, but the one who takes
the first step to reach out to the other person”.
Let’s make plenty of dua to keep shaytan at bay! Shaytan knows wrecking a family is wrecking
the society. My husband and I share this lovely statement – he has given me permission to
share. He says, ” When one of us is not available and we haven’t heard from each other, let’s not
make assumptions, but pray for our safety and always know that whatever s/he is doing directly
or indirectly is for the benefit of both of us and the family, Just make dua!” Isn’t that heart
melting? In the strongest marriages, the husband and wife share a deep sense of meaning.
They don’t just ‘get along’, they also support each other’s hopes and aspirations and build a
sense of purpose into their lives together. That is really what I mean when I talk about honouring
and respecting each other.
Finally, pray together even if it’s twice a day. Go to bed together – retiring together at night
fosters a thriving relationship. Even if it means waiting for them or vice versa.
I leave you with the words of Imam Malik “A woman needs to be maintained financially ,
spiritually, morally, and above all intellectually because women are creatures of sound, and men
are creatures of sight, and above all you must know the art of a relationship is based upon
communication.”
JazakAllah Khair for making it to the end! In sha Allah I will be back soon with another
interesting topic. May Allah bless us all and grant us success in marriages in this world and the
hereafter where we will all dwell together – Ameen